i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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