worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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