nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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