my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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