Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
