Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Couch. On fire.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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