I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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