Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
