I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
