i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I did not marry a roomba.
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