So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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