just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
