LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
