The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
