My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
