Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
