I'm gonna have a badass scar
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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