Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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