Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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