Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
then he tried to convert me to islam
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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