I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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