her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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