Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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