I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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