you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
