Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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