this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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