this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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