you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
