We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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