Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
