one word: firstdatebathroomanal
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
