Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Come share oat with me in your robe
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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