First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
