my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
