I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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