Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I met the friendliest cop last night
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
