Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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