So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
