come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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