so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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