Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
