look no pants
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Everyone says I win the strip club
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
