I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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