I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
