I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
