Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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