god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
