I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
