every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
do nipples grow back?
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